Somehow I Lost My Bravery Today

I’m not sure how or why it left

Photo by Soroush Karimi on Unsplash

What I do know, what I do recognize is this heavy sadness filling my body and brain. Again, I’m not sure how it all happened in the blink of an overnight.

My mind refuses to rid itself of the blue-gray blank state of which my body is following suit.

It was one year ago I began my journey as a ballet dancer, never having taken a dance class before. Today’s class was what I was looking forward to, along with the Moulin Rouge tonight. But upon arrival to this master dance school, my courage and cheerfulness snuck away.

The class filled and filled. I suppose this is normal during the beginnings of each year. And with each new person filling the room, the skill required for summoning my courage slipped and slipped.

The movement, the music felt wonderful to my muscles, my feet, my entire body. Fifth in relevé felt, as usual, so good for my soul and spine, and toes, whole feet, and ankles.

The feet move our bodies and spirits through a time travel…

Perhaps it is I feel time slipping away. My dearest little one turns 10 soon. A whole decade has come and gone with this love. The lost child I once was, she’s now somewhere completely different. This could be why I still feel 27, or 30ish…a whole decade gone by in a flash.

I can see it in my eyes, my face, as I search for concealer and foundation for a morning fix.

Moving into another phase without any control. Why I always hated, despised, feared the eve of a new year. Being pushed forward without any politeness, without being asked, or gently prepared, or encouraged. The new year presuming I was wanting and ready. No questions asked, just moved forward, and forward, and forward.

Shifting sands…

Today my mind is getting the better of me. Even after my morning work, yoga, meditation, and prayer. Perhaps it’s just a heavy day. Lord knows it’s a heavy world.

My mind in its natural state. One of worry, of fear, and rumination. The emotional state could lean towards anxiety (which is usual). Or like right now, it could subtly move into the sadness state, leaving me dumbfounded, drained, defeated, and deflated.